Paincourt Antique

Title: Penelope the Crack Whore

It was a perfect day, sunny, 75 degrees Fahrenheit, slight wind blowing, no roommates present, well except for Dave but I knew he would be asleep all day, he drank the night before and when that poor man drank he was usually down for the count for a couple of days, it was sad, it was pathetic.
So perfect was this day that I began to reflect on my own badness and decided that I was probably due for a little healthy lifestyle. I decided to not go out and attempt to soberly bathe in my loneliness. I went to the kitchen and made a
PBJ and sat back down on the couch and grabbed a book and began to read. It was really wonderful because as some of you may know, having a day to
yourself when you have multiple roommates is like a fucking gift from God himself. You feel relaxed and at peace with the world, you can listen to the
birds chirp if that is what you want to do. You can masturbate furiously to porn if that is what you want to do. You can clean up the house, if that is what you want to do, and so on.
The situation existed that I was no longer employed, I was working for a phone company but their insane bullshit had finally gotten to me, I quit, and rightfully so - the bastards were going to write me up for going to see my son in the hospital after he suffered a pretty bad injury. The boss said, “go ahead and go to the hospital but I want you to know it will reflect on
your record.” I promptly responded, “fuck my record, I resign.” Luckily when I got to the hospital, my son wasn’t in as bad of shape as I had thought.
So, that was that and I hadn’t worked for two weeks following that experience. The future was looking pretty grim, but on a day like this day it was hard to imagine anything ever being grim.
Back to the PBJ, I finished it as it was the only vittles I had and then decided to go out and procure a bottle of german white wine. I was staying away from the hard stuff. It is really hard to have a good day when you are drinking like that. Especially when you are like that alone. I picked out 5 choice cd’s put them on shuffle, grabbed a book and sat back and began to experience some calm.
This was the first calm I had experienced in months. A general feeling of warmth and happiness came over me. I was thinking warm fuzzy thoughts, at least I made them up to be warm fuzzy thoughts.
I thought, ‘it is good to be unemployed, it is good to be a drunkard, it is good that I am such a loser and asshole, I have nothing left to lose, what a good way to spend my free time, thinking and reading and staring at the wall.’ Sweet, as they say, sweet.
The hours began to blend into each other and the happy sun began to throw shadows with the help of some trees in my back yard. I made believe that I heard the trees thanking the sun and the sun returning the compliment. I noticed this and it also made me feel calm. I was thinking like a child, and that was good. I no longer felt like an adult with problems. I had tricked myself into believing all was well. Thank you Jesus. Thank you Lord.
It was about that time that I heard a faint knock at my back door. Knowing that only friends use the back door I was pleased. I got up off my ass and walked toward that door to see who was blessing me with a visit.
I could see through the window what looked like the shape of a young brunette female. From what I could see, she looked just about right, my type as most would say - I thought my luck was getting better. I opened the door and there stood a tiny young thing. I got a better look and it turned out that maybe she wasn’t my type. She looked kind of haggard, as if she was rode hard and put away wet. Her clothes looked as if they had been on for days, there were circles under her eyes and they were red and weepy. All together it really wasn’t a pleasant site although the girl still had a certain attractive quality, it was hard to put my finger on it really. I let my eyes wonder about her trying to figure out what her story was. She broke my stare by asking demurely if my room mate Rob was home. I said no, that he was in Alabama lynching people. I asked her if she’d like to come in and have a few drinks as she appeared to be hoofing it. She accepted the invitation. I led her to my “family room” so we could have a chat.
I began the conversation, “What would you like to drink?”
She responded, “Have any whiskey?”
“I always have whiskey.”
This was true, I did always have whiskey. Never any that was good, just rot gut, only the finest of one month old grain to rot away my innards and my mind. It seemed the pleasant evening I had planned for myself was changing into another evening of bullshit and abuse. I wasn’t sure if I wanted it to happen, but why the hell not? “This is how your mind works”, I said to myself. “We can think about bunnies and puppy dog’s tomorrow. There is always tomorrow.” That seemed to satisfy the pang of guilt.
She asked during the thought, “Where is Rob? I thought he would be here, he told me to stop by.”
“Seriously, he is in Alabama, he is visiting his grandfather and hunting, fishing and lynching.”
“Yeah, that is so weird that a guy like him hunts all the time like that.”
“Why do you say that? Is there something wrong with a fine young man like Rob going out and killing God’s little creatures?” Then I remembered her, “Hey, you are that girl who went with us down to Jeffco to do some acid. Penelope right?”
“No, my name is Chastity.”
“Yeah, you look different, pardon me for saying, but you don’t look all that healthy, what have you been up to?”
“Look, I just want to party dude, I tell you what, if you smoke some crack with me, I will suck you off.”
Of course that took me by surprise. These are statements you hear at times that really catch you off guard. It was hard to come up with a rebuttal to that. A few moments passed and I came up with my response. “It’s that easy huh?”
“Come on dude, I ain’t got all day, do you want your dick sucked or not?”
“Well of course I want it sucked, but do I need it sucked, that is the question.”
“I only have two rocks left, I am going to smoke one now, I will share it with you if you’d like and then I will suck your cock.”
“Well wait a second here, I think there is something more that you could do, as I am sure this entails a little more than just smoking crack with you and getting my dick sucked. How about you take a banana and fuck yourself in the
ass with it while we smoke crack together. I think I could go for that.”
“No, you have to smoke the crack first and then I will do whatever you want.”
“Well the way I see it is that you need me more than I need you, so you should do whatever I say first and then maybe we can come to some sort of
crack code of ethics clause.”
“Seriously, I really want to suck a dick, I was hoping to suck off Rob, but you will do.”
“But I have to smoke crack first?”
“Yes.”
“But I need to get in the mood first, here, take this banana and take off your pants and fuck it. While you fuck it I will smoke your crack.”
“No, you have to smoke it first and then I might do some shit with the banana.”
“So you will just suck my dick then?”
“No, we have to smoke it first.”
“But I don’t want to smoke it first, I want you to have a banana in your ass. That is what makes me crave crack.”
“Your fucked up.”
“I am fucked up? Well at least I don’t go around sucking cock for crack.”
“Well you are a fucking drunk, that is what everyone says about you. You probably have had a banana in your ass but you just don’t remember it.”
“I barely even know you, I didn’t even remember your name.”
“Exactly, and we have met about 5 times now and every time you were drunk outta your fucking mind.”
“I’d rather be a drunk over a crack head anytime.”
“Listen, quit wasting my time, either you let me suck your cock or I will find someone else.”
“But I have to smoke crack first right?”
“Exactly.”
“Well, in all honesty, I don’t really need my dick sucked. It was sucked about two days ago so I am good on that count. If you would hold on a second though I will see if my other room mate Dave needs his dick sucked. To hear him tell it, I don’t think he’s had it for a couple of years. Although, on second thought, I know he won’t
smoke the crack, he is really against drugs. What if I smoke the crack and you suck him off?”
“No, I have to suck off who I am smoking with, that’s the deal.”
“Seriously, why is that the deal?”
“That is just the way it fucking goes dude. Are you a homo?”
“No, I just feel like one when I think about you.”
“What the fuck does that mean?”
“Crack head cunts like you make straight people wish they weren’t.”
“Shit dude, am I going to suck you off or not?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Well could you give me a ride downtown?”
“Nope.”
“Could you loan me ten bucks?”
“Nope.”
“How about I suck you off for ten bucks?”
“How about you fuck your ass with this banana for fifteen?”
“Fuck you.”
“Look, I don’t see the freaking difference between you sucking me off for money or fucking a banana for money. What is the difference?”
“Well fucking a banana is degrading.”
“And being a crackwhore isn’t?”
“Fuck you man! I am leaving.”
“Nice chatting with you.”
“Fuck you.”
And she got up and began to walk toward the door but stopped. “Can I use your phone?”
“Yeah, if you fuck this banana.”
“Seriously.”
“Is it long distance?”
“No,I just need to call someone to get me the fuck out of this shit-hole and away from you.”
“Go ahead, would you like another whiskey?”
“Yeah sure.”
She called a fellow crack head and it seemed that they were having a fairly interesting conversation but I chose to not listen in. She hung up the phone and came back and sat down.
“Are you sure you don’t want to smoke some crack with me?”
“I am positive sweetie.”
“You know, I think you are a freak. Any other guy would do it. Why won’t you?”
“Don’t know really, it is just such a sweet day and I would hate to have to fuck it up like that.”
“Well that’s cool I suppose. My friend will be here in an hour, you mind if I look through your cd’s?”
“Nah, have at it.”
With that we spent the next hour or so talking about various bands and then her pal came by. We all shared a brief conversation and they were off. I never saw her again.

Addendum 2010:

This is loosely a true story. This appeared in YanktheChain previous to the date of the link but I am unsure when.